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Hi,
my name is Diana, I’m 30 years old and I come from Germany. I don’t write in a german forum, because I hope to get better information in such a big and nice forum.
I want to write my story there, because I hope to get some information, tips and maybe an analyse of some important things. I’m very unhappy and feeling very uncomfortable because of my own situation. I’m married since 3 years and have a 2 years old daughter. And I recognize that I can lose them… I hope that it’s ok to write very direct and open about sexual things. I believe it’s the best way to describe my situation.
With 13 years I started to masturbate. During this I was eroticised by the female body, but I was especially aroused by the imagine of having big female breasts. I don’t know why, but since then the dream of having female breasts, one or two years later the dream of having a female body and being a woman is eroticising me.
I don’t know why, but I started with around 14 years to wear female underwear and breast forms during my masturbation. It’s the big thing, that I’m not eroticised by the underwear itself. I believe that I feel a little bit more like a woman. Every time after masturbation I feel ashamed - and I masturbated since around my 14th birthday almost every day. I have to explain that I was never (!) aroused by the imagine of having sex with a woman in a “normal” male way. Every time I’m eroticized by the imagine of having a female body, especially big boobs and round hips. During the first years I watched normal sexual orientated films or pictures with woman, fantasized of being the woman on the picture or film, “normal sex” (I’m the woman…) was not very interesting for me. I was also fascinated of lesbian porn and wanted to be one of the girls. Later I was more and more fascinated of extremely big breasts and big booty girls. I think the reason is that these are extremely feminine expressions.
Later, I think I was around 16 years old, I started to masturbate myself in the anal way, during my fantasize of being penetrated by a penis. But it’s not so often and I limit it. During the first years I wasn`t directly aroused by a men itself.
Then I´ve to notice that I was very shy during my teenager time and felt in love with some girls, but a relationship never started.
With 22 years I get the possibility to go into the internet. So I began to read about my situation. I recognized, that I’m maybe a transsexual. I also started to masturbate during watching tgirl porn – I fantasize since then about myself as the tgirl, having sex with a man; or watching normal sex, dream about being the woman, having sex with a man. I also sometimes masturbate myself anal and dreaming about taking hormones to get a female body. I wore and wear until now female underwear, shoes and breast forms, but not during every masturbation. But after almost every masturbation I feeling ashamed. Since then I bought and thrown away my female clothes and breast forms very often.
With 26 years I met my wife. We felt in love, but the start of the relationship was not very easy, because of the sexual thing. Even during our weekly sex I fantasized about being penetrated by a penis and having breasts and a female body. Only with this picture in my brain it’s possible for me to get longer erections. But I’m not feeling very comfortable to have sex with my wife and maybe it’s possible to say that I don’t like this sex. But I love my wife (I have to notice that I’m feeling more emotionally interested in woman)! During this time period it was also possible for me to masturbate every day or every two days, because we lived in two different towns.
Later we married, our daughter was born and we live since 10/2005 in a nice flat. Since then it was not so easy to masturbate so often, sometimes I´ve done this when my wife was at home. Our sex life decreased. Now we have sex only around every 3 month and I know my wife is very unhappy about this. One year ago she surprised me during a masturbation. She cried and said she thinks that I’m maybe a gay. I said no…
I also started to get aroused by the male body itself, especially nice muscular bodies and not only big penises. So my sexual preference changed over the years: from lesbian sex to the imagine of being penetrated by a penis, later – increasing since around five years - to have oral and anal sex with a man as a tgirl or a woman.
To the emotional things: Even when I don’t masturbate I want to be a woman. I want to look like a woman, have a female body. These wish increased over the years, some years ago I wanted to be a man, when I was not aroused. But I know that I’m a man and I can’t imagine that I can change my gender in a realistic way. But when I have the choose, I want to be a women and never change back.
My interest in man also increased, when I see a nice guy (for example on the beach or on TV) I’m feeling interested, maybe sometimes eroticised – two years ago it was unbelievable!
I’ve done the COGIATI Test and the SAGE Test and they telling me that I’m maybe a transsexual. But they don’t know something about my special situation. But when you read my story – what do you think? I’m transsexual or only gay?! I don’t know, do you think it might be possible to change my life and life a normal live with my family? What I can do, I know that my wife will leave me because of our “sex life”. And so I loose my family, my daughter!
Please help me!
Diana
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