HEYA!!!

Ulfar, what is it about your body that makes you disgusted? The thing about sex is its such a personal and intimate thing that even the slightest imperfection on the body can make a person suddenly feel disgusted about themselves. Ever since I've found the lump in my breast I've lost all confidence in my appearance again. You can't even see it, but I'll still be dammed if I show anyone my naked body until it's resolved. Maybe if you worked out (and not just yoga or jogging, I mean really worked out) and buffed up you'd feel more confident. The adrenaline and lactic acid can be real confidence boosters.
A lot of people gawk at female body builders, but you can still pump up your abs and tone your body without looking gross.
I think maybe once your away from the 'just a phase' people and can adopt a more free lifestyle, you may not feel as confused or frustrated. I know a lot of girls that look and act like male, yet still retain some femininity and their bodies..well...they come in all shapes and sizes. It may or may not be the solution. You may need to transition after all. There's only a certain amount of physical combinations you can have...there's gotta be one you fit into.

I rly don't like when someone call me a girl of female. I hate the fact that I can't build my chest like males do. I'm pretty proud that my chest is rather flat (god, I hate big boobs >.>), it's very comfortable for me. Is it impossible to be without gender? Without any gender...

Sex... I'm not disgusted because of my body's imprefections. I'm just sure in 100% that it's my gender's fault. I can't do it in this body, I don't want to feel like a woman! :/

It seems that leaving this world is a realy good option.

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Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

Hey guys, sorry for intruding I was out for the past day or so.

And Ulfar, it's very possible to be genderless, though you still have a biological gender, and even maybe a gender you gravitate more too. In your case you seem to not BE, but enjoy aspects of being a boy more than the aspects of being a typical girl, if you believe that your body is without gender... Then it is It's as simple as that. Say and do what you believe is right and try to ignore all of the steryotypes and all that crap, because once you gain confidence, all that stuff just sorta fades into the background. If you are confident with yourself, then usually you become more happy.

And if you can't do it in a female's body, but you do not wish to be a man... What other body is there, physically? I mean, is it possible to transition into third/no gender? >_<

And Candence,
Now, I'm excited for university. I went to my therapist/doctor... and we've made little short term goals. This summer I'm going to start a transition in my household. When summer is over, and I'm back in school.. I'm going to start a slow, two year transition, slowly putting more male clothes into my wardrobe, start acting more as a man, then I'll begin to bind my chest, and then involve a packer. And finally when I graduate, if I am ready, I will be put onto hormones.

I'm just confused because I still have that lingering part of me that is 100% woman. I would like to be a man much, much more.... but I'm worried that If I start on hormones, though I'd love to finally be a man, and get to dress, act, have sex, and be who I'd like to be... I'm afraid that the woman part of me will make me feel uncomfortable YET AGAIN, in my own skin. Not as bad... but.... It's almost like.. If I took hormones and saw my voice was deeper, and my shoulders were broader, my face looked more as a guys, skin was rougher, and I could build muscles, and could get the operation to get SOME form of a dick... I would be happy... But when I started to notice my hair growing thick and dark, and the idea of my boobs coming off, and possibly (if not certainly) loosing the ability to conceive kids would intimidate me. So.... gosh, I don't know what to do. I want to be a man so much more, that is for sure.

So anyways... the first step is to buy some new clothes, and get my mother to notice changes before I come out to her, my dad and sister. >.<

And man... the moment I do, I will sign her up for Pflag XD She needs that. And yea, my mom doesn't get that.. she thinks I'm going to go there, and like get into some protest and get arrested T_T And Arkansas sounds a LITTLE bit creepy... I mean, man... I'd hate to get killed there XD

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Physically you can't just stop being any gender. Your body needs one or the other hormones to survive (at leas in this day and age). The closest you can get to being no gender is ambigender, or Androgyny http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androgyny
Try not to pay too much attention to that wiki article though. (it was written by a human) I'd recommend watching what the men and women do, and see what is similar. Short bowl-cuts seem to be a similar thing with hairstyles on men and women here in the states. T-shirts and formless jeans. Don't go too wild with it though, or you'll end up considered a guy or whanot. Listen to how they talk as well, try to eliminate any gender-biased speech patterns and habbits.

Right now, it is impossible to escape gender all together. No matter how much progress society makes, there will always be someone that missed the memo and will slip a 'he' or 'she' into conversation. The only other suggestion is to leave the country for one of the countries more progressed in this type of thing. They may help you at least feel a little more appreciated. I don't really know what else to say on escaping gender.

Seme, I'm glad you're making a plan. Don't be afraid, though, you've got years to think about it. It's why they make it take so long, so that you know for sure it's what you want. There's always adoption for kids..or you could have one before you start T. It may complicate things, but it's how I had a kid
There will be some things about being a girl that you might miss. I still feel compelled to open doors for girls and a few other things I did as a boy, but it still doesn't pile up to the need to be a woman. It's just because I lived trying to convince myself I didn't need a change and that I was fine for so long. In the end, I gave in anyway. So, take this time your doctor is giving you and just focus on your future(like..half the time..don't always keep your head 4 years in the future, it'll mess things up)
Don't tell yourself you need to do something because it's boyish though, just think of this as an opportunity to be more and more yourself an you can open up. Society is no longer repressing what you want to do. So just do it! That was y first mistake. I thought, hey, it's for girls, I gotta do it now! So I bought all these clothes I wasn't sure about and whatever and I still felt uncomfortable.
NOW that I'm just doing what I like, my entire collection of jeans are form-fitting bell-bottoms or flares. I love them!! I own a few skirts that I like, but I still hardly ever wear them. Sure, they're a defining girl thing in America, but I hardly ever feel compelled to wear them. Oi, the kid's up. I gotta go. Talk to you later

Yea, for me.. Having a kid early has never been an option for me. i have such ridged plans for the years after high school, because the program I want to get into only accept 60 people with insane amounts of prerequisites, and a 87+ average, while at the moment I sit at a 76 average XD So, I couldn't be able to care for a child. I would imagine it must be very difficult at times... But also.... with your son, does he call you mom or dad? Because if I was too have a child.. that confuses me, the whole naming parents part.. I mean, if I conceived the kid, but am married to a guy... What the heck would that make the two of us to that child? Two dads? Mom and dad?

And I do plan to adopt, but wanting three kids, I'd want two biological children as well. I was wondering if it's possible to get like your eggs frozen, and then reinserted when I want children later on. Like that man who was on Oprah, the pregnant man.. He was on T, but stopped so he could carry two children. Hmmm....... I wonder if it's possible... <_<

And yea, like you.. I'd be tempted to run out and get my hair cut almost buzz short... Even though it would look so bad on me, and I don't really like it.. I'd want to look like a guy XD I'm that type of person to fall into that trap of trying to live up to 'societies standards' of one gender or another. And you go girl! Reject the skirts and still be a woman!! ... And plus... i always get the feeling in the one in a million times I wear one, I feel like with the slightest breeze everyone can see my panties XD

jack.

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Lol, it's not that I don't like skirts, I do, its just when I walk into my closet and look at everything I'm just like..'uuuhhhh jeans' and pull em on. My son still calls me Daddy. And I'm ok with that too. I wish he'd call me mommy, but I can't force it.
There's a beauty about the young mind. They can accept things a lot easier when they grow up with it. Say you have a child and are married to a man and you yourself tell him you are also daddy, then he has two daddies, as simple as that. My son sees nothing wrong with me wearing makeup and girly clothes. My whole family breaks traditional standards so he really has no set vision on what a girl is, what a boy is, or what a family is supposed to be. To him, all there is is love in a relationship and as far as boys and girls, well, im not sure what he thinks a girl is. He knows they are different..but there's nothing set in stone. And that's how its going to be with a lot of kids now.

And besides, if you are depressed and confused about gender in front of your child, then he or she will be too. Be confident, and so will your child.

So, on a lighter note, anyone have any interesting hobbies?

Well, I guess that my child will grow up like yours then, and I hope he/she does. And maybe I should work on my confidence before ever trying for kids.

And as for hobbies?
Hmmm... Let's see...
Writing stories, my genres I like are romance, angst (how lovely XD) and I'm one for the more 'disturbing' or 'shocking' fiction. I read it and write it.... Don't know why... It scares half of my friends, but I enjoy it? I draw, mostly anime but I also love to draw sketches. I love my yaoi (boy on boy) and I could also *laughs* call it a hobby, I write about it most often in my works, and draw it ( not hardcore though!!). I like to snowboard, though I'm much, much better at skiing.

What else >_<?

I like to listen to music, sit on my roof and stargaze, watch family guy, hope to soon buy a motorcycle to ride around, ATVing, swimming, surfing the web, hanging with friends, drinking with friends, partying with friends. I love watching documentaries on random stuff, I grew up on them... I like to cook and bake, and one day I want to learn all the families german recipes. And, last but not least... the last one I can think of that is... is fishing :O

And what about you Cadence? Or you Ulfar?
Hobbies? or... what do you enjoy in life?

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Well, I love reading. Books, mangas, comics. Especialy fantasy, sci-fi, but also historical and those I need on my studies (I love weapon and architecture, historical of course) and many many other.
I draw since I remember and this is what I love so much that I can't stand my childish level :/. What I draw? General talking, beasts. There was a time I drew people only (manga style), but now I prefer fantastic creatures. There's a game via www (bestie.nightwood.net) using one of my beasts project called Lumosi (now I'm working on another one- Verfrost).
I love games: traditional RPG, games for PC and X360, card game (Magic The Gathering).

I can see now that I'm lonely and that was my own choice. I have only a few friends, my boyfriend... I don't like big partys (I'm not talking about concerts! I love metal ones! god, so much energy! whoah!).

I usualy stay in my own world of imagination, born from books, films, games, my own texts (yes, I'm writing. Various things, even poetry).

I wonder if you would like to meet me?

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

I've seen a lot of similar things with the trans-gender community. A lot of the newer generation is coming from the Manga influence. I've been into the Anime scene for a while. I think the first convention I went to was in 2002 and I went to roughly 6 or seven since. I'm not a huge die-hard fan, mostly because I can't stand to be around the diehard fans. They suck all the fun out of anime to me. But I do, on occasion still get some fansubs from Japan or on occasion China and have an anime night with one of my friends.

I started out drawing manga, but I've since moved on to realism. I went to uni for graphics design and then for photography. I worked as a photographer for a short time. I owned my own dark-room and everything. I've moved on to digital, and have a nice hi-def large format printer that I used to print my prints on. Now I usually print for other people who have drawings or photographs that they want some nice prints of to sell.

I'm a big art nerd. I do almost anything that's considered a craft. So, yeah.

I'm not a partier either and I certainly can't do most concerts. I did the Lords of Acid scene for a while and did raves, but that was the extent of my party life.

A friend of mine and I have started hosting a free-form forum RP for writers, but it's not quite off the ground yet. But it's given me a chance to flex my rusty web-designing skills. I've gotten to make a few flash aplets and work with HTML.

I'm going to school to be a programmer. Uhmm, I think that covers my nerdy side.

I used to be a big snowboarder. But then I moved and was faar from any snow. Now I've moved back and can't wait to get back out there. I'm probably going to hurt myself so bad. I used to be able to hit the half-pipe. This winter I'll probably be stuck on a blue or something. I have problems with my Achilles, so I had to buy special boots and bindings. I've got a nice rig, cept I want a new board. Or at least get a new design on it (:-P)

Really, I'm kind of a party pooper. I don't drink, smoke, or party. I've got too many health problems, and I'm pretty inseperable from my son. Makes finding a relationship kind of hard, but I still have fun.

Oh, cooking! I've recently picked up cooking. I'v ealways been fairly good, but I've started actually taking it seriously. I mostly do asian foods right now. I make a pretty awesome onigiri as a snack.

Blah, sorry, I started this post a day ago and i fell asleep. I've losts my train of thought. But anyway, good news. I got an ultrasound on my breast and the lump doesn't appear to be cancerous. Hopefully the surgeon tomorrow will concur. Anyway, since I don't really remember all I was going to say, I'll just uhm...duno.