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Hi:
I am a 24-year-old transgendered woman who used to be man. I live in Southern California in USA. I am attracted to women only, not men. If you see and hear me in person, you'll think I'm a real woman -- until you see my naked groin. My groin is still male. I plan to remain pre-op as I feel genital removal of any kind is un-natural. I do have the voice and body [ignoring the groin] of the average lady.
I am light-skinned and white American. My hair is black and straight. My eyes are gray. I am 5'3.5" tall and weigh 127 lbs. My birthdate is April 17, 1984.
I'm one of the few who can remember details of an incident that other victims wouldn't. I also tend to have a short attention span and impaired short-term memory. However, long-term memories of emotional events tends to be amplified.
In addition, I have significant impairment in social interactions. I perceive the world differently and this can often bring me in conflict with conventional ways of thinking. I have difficulty in reading body language, and interpreting subtle cues. I also have significant difficulty with natural conversation, reading social cues, and maintaining eye contact. This can lead to a great deal of misunderstanding about my intent or my behavior. For example, I may not always know what to say in social situations, so I may look away or may not say anything. I also may not always respond quickly when asked direct questions, but if given time I am able express my ideas.
All that aside, I feel I am sexually-attracted to lesbians with similar physical characteristics as me [e.g. eye/hair/skin-color, hair shape, age, height, and weight] , yet I have bitter feelings toward lesbians because they reject my type. They reject me because I am not totally-female. That hurts my feelings.
About a year ago, I had what I call my worst of worst nightmares. I joined a lesbian sisterhood club in downtown LA [all were femme lesbians and most fit the physical characteristics I desire]. I told them my birth gender. Initially they accepted me. They were just as friendly to me as they were to each other.
Once I got into a room with them and we all undressed for an orgy. Nice time. I was so horny and happy. I felt like I was in heaven. But this paradise wasn't for long. Three days later, my nightmare began. I was tricked. I felt I was in hell.
All of the women attacked me and ganged of on me. They made me smell their bare stinky feet and then brutally kicked my naked balls, thereby bruising them. They began to cry "rape". Things turned further worse then.
The lesbians got a gang of guys to beat and sodomize me. They complained to the guys, falsely accusing me of rape and sexual harassment. They guys, being the chivalrous macho pro-feminist men they are, showed me no mercy. They all called me "pervert", "sissy", and "fa-got". They would tell me "you're gonna get whats coming" and "she-males like you give men a bad name". It seemed they were going to anally-rape me because the lesbians accused me of rape even though I didn't at all penetrate them. My fear became reality. I am also no stronger than your average woman.
All the men were white, black-haired, and straight-haired, with square faces, chins and heads. Can't remember their eye colors, though. However, they appeared to be around my age and that of the lesbians.
Those men along with the lesbians put me through a month of hell.
The woman would make me smell their stinky feet and then kick my naked groin.
The men hurt me much more. These men looked like tough ex-cons who are simply determined to cause trouble when they think there will be no negative consequences. The men would invade my privacy by smelling me and calling me a "stinky tranny" and "stinky slut". They stretched my arms and legs to the point where my injuries left me in great pain and unable to move or walk. They punched my stomach until I threw up and forced me to rub me vomit all over myself. They would sodomize me. They would spit on me and smell the part they spit on while rubbing their noses on it. The force me to rub their spit on my hands and the rest of my body. They would also force me to spit on my hands and rub my spit all over myself. In addition, they forced me to rub my feces all over myself. They would then smell me and make fun of my body odor. Also, they would make me expose my groin and they would pelt it with a leather whip -- badly bruising it. They did not allow me to maintain any proper hygiene aside from brushing my teeth. They just wanted to humiliate, degrade, and dehumanize me.
The men and lesbians would also refer to me as "sh*t", as in part "she" and part "it".
I only had 3 choices:
1. Submit to the horrifying abuse perpetrated by the chivalrous men and lesbians.
If I refused the above then, the other options were:
2. Let them castrate me -- which I don't at all want. I like to keep my genitalia the way it is.
3. Die [by being stabbed in the rectum by the men] -- they would always threaten to kill me like that with the sharp weapons they had.
I was so scared and angry. I'm still very upset.
This experience has caused me to hate feminism, chivalry, and machismo. It has also caused me to want to retaliate against lesbians for so cruelly-rejecting me and getting those big guys to harass, rape, and beat me.
Currently, I feel a bit lucky and relieved that I'm no longer going through such mistreatment -- and that I've tested negative for HIV and other STDs after the anal rape! But I'm still angry. I'm not sure whether I should say this but, even though I am a woman, I still feel like I have the personality of an anger-retaliation rapist. I have thoughts about sexually-harassing and raping lesbians in order to get even with them.
These thoughts of anger-retaliation rape are not only related to my desire to punish the lesbians who cruelly-rejected me but also to get back at those chivalrous macho guys who abused me. I get the feeling that these guys are very much against the rape of real woman but have no problem forcing their penises down the anuses of transgender women like me. Also, these thoughts are related to my desire to make the false accusation true -- I've been punished so much, it should be for something.
There are still bruises on my scrotum from the kicks and whips. To make matters worse, I still need to wear a colostomy bag because the anal-rape ruptured my anus and rectum. My butt constantly leaks thick unusually-malodorous diarrhea. As I said above, its a miracle that all those ejaculations from all those men [too many guys to count] hasn't caused me any VDs.
This desire for revenge has plagued me ever since my experience.
One of the reasons I still harbor this bitterness is because I tried reporting the incident to police and suing them. Nothing happened. It seemed the police, the courts, and the people in general supported what I happened to me because I am a transgendered woman falsely-accused of raping real woman. If I was a real woman, society would be far more sympathetic towards me. I've used up all my legal abilities to sue anyone. In court, the jury laughed because they found out I am transgendered. It's not always possible to keep my transexuality a secret. Authorities, who are supposed protect the innocent find out the secret and then out it. In public female-only facilities, evil women find out hidden truths and tell everyone.
As a result, I have a hard time getting along with men as well as women. I also despise tomboys and FTM [female-to-male] transgendered men because they get better social treatment than MTF [male-to-female] transgendered women and effeminate males.
I hate the prison staff and the majority of the general population of inmates. I haven't been to prison but I know MTFs are constantly victimized by staff and inmates alike. The jail staff purposely allow the GP inmates to attack MTFs.
The majority of GP inmates of mens' prisons would never rape a real woman even if she was housed with the [they hate rapists of real females]. However, they gain pleasure from raping MTFs. Hence I hate the GP.
I hate feminism because it treats FTMs and *real* women better than MTFs. I hate the humans' society because it does the same.
I wish the humans' society would not treat FTMs and women who were born *totally* female any better** than it treats MTFs. Unfortunately my wish is way too good to ever be true.
I am victimized by the humans' society via it's irrational gender stereotypes that unfairly treat FTMs and *actual* women better** than MTFs.
**Better-treatment = more compassion, more sympathy, more respect, more gentleness, more easiness, more empathy, more cleanliness, more protection, more luxury, more personal space, more privacy, more security, more freedom, etc.
It's this unfairness that makes me want to take revenge against the humans' society and its irrational gender stereotypes.
I've never blamed myself for the abuse. OTOH, I blame the humans' society.
I have nothing against individual humans. It's the society of humans that I'm strongly against. I'm against it because of its irrational gender stereotypes.
I also really care about non-human animals -- dogs, cats, birds, etc. This is why I don't use any products derived from practices that harm them. For example, no meat, no leather, and no ivory.
I respect non-animals -- as individuals and via their societies. I respect non-human societies because they don't make irrational gender stereotypes.
I also care about sex perverts -- because the humans' society sees them as "animals" or "sub-human". Not trying to scare/offend anyone, just expressing the opinions that I have as a result of my experience.
I am extremely jealous of FTMs and lesbians because of my experience. I am envious of lesbians because they get each other but exclude me. I don't like FTMs because the humans' society irrationally treats them better than MTFs.
I don't like the fact that the humans' society treats FTMs better than MTFs.
I hate it when masculine women are so popular while feminine men are treating like scum.
My experiences cause me to support reverse discrimination.
The humans who abused me did so because they were following the rules of the humans' society. They were following and enforcing the evil perpetrating by this society. That's why I hate the humans' society.
I feel like molesting the lesbians who kicked me and got pro-feminist chivalrous macho men to rape and beat me -- to get even with them. I feel like tying those male feminazis* up and forcing them to watch as I molest those lesbians.
I'm not against all lesbians, just the ones who attacked me.
Hopefully if I do molest those women, I will be entitled to protective custody in prison. Transsexuals and sex-offenders are separated from other inmates because for their own safety. I am already transgendered. If I molest the lesbians who hurt me, then I'll fit the sex-offender category. Since TGs and sex-offenders are separated, I wouldn't have to worry about being abused by bubba. On the other hand, prison staff are so corrupt that they'll probably allow prisoners to rape and kill me.
I'm already being condemned so much, it should be for something. Right?
If those lesbians didn't want me because I used to be male, then they should've just politely told me "no thanks". Instead they got their message out using the human-society's brutal gender stereotypes against me. If I do molest them, they deserve it.
The humans' society has placed me in this trap of anger and fear. Anger towards society makes me want to take revenge. Fear of society's consequences -- such as prison rape and other jail abuses -- stop me. If my anger overrides my fear, then I will likely attempt to retaliate against society by molesting and disabling feminist bitches, evil lesbians, FTMs, and other evil members of the humans' society. Considering I am an MTF, I'm pretty lucky to be alive and able to walk and talk. I'm aware that I've got a lot to lose if I do anything illegal, so I most likely will not act on my anger in ways that violate the law.
Currently fear is controlling me right now, so I'm not retaliating. However, I encourage other MTFs who've been victimized by the humans' society -- and feel they've got nothing to lose -- to form gangs that molest and disable actual females and FTMs. These gangs should pretend to be lesbian and lure and trap actually-female lesbians. The MTF should permanently and severely disable the butch lesbians and then sexually-molest the femme lesbians.
If you're an MTF whose been to prison, chances are you've been to a male prison and gotten raped by pro-feminist men. You probably have HIV, so spread it to actual females and FTMs.
If you're and MTF, the humans' society probably treats you like an animal. So you might as well act like a sexual animal and molest and disable as many actual females and FTMs as possible.
MTFs are not accepted into female-only facilities because the humans' society being the POS it is, claims that they'll molest the *actual* females. This is illogical. MTFs are no more capable of -- or likely to perpetrate -- the molesting of actual-females than other actual-females are. Besides, the humans' society seems to have perpetuate this myth that all MTFs are attracted only to men, not women. So using this rationality, the humans' society should allow MTFs to use female-only facilities, because of an additional myth that rape and sexual-abuse is perpetrated out of sexual desire rather than the desire to overpower someone. If the humans' society is going to treat us MTFs like sexual predators, maybe we should show them what sexual abuse really is.
MTFs are far more likely to be sexually-abused by males, than actual-females are. This is one of the reasons why the humans' society should allowed MTFs to use female-only facilities.
Philosophically, I can't justify vengeance but at an emotional level, I just feel like punishing society for what they do to helpless transgender women like me. I realize, there are MTFs who've been through far worse than me, it's them who I feel a special amount of sympathy for.
I just wish someone would lend a helping hand.
Thanks,
Transgender Lesbian
* P.S. Most feminists are feminazis and feminazis are viciously sexist against anyone who wasn't born female. There are feminazis and feminists of both genders, they discriminate against males and anyone who isn't genetically-female. Yes, there are many males -- pretty much the majority of men -- who gender-discriminate against other males.
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So sorry.
