Is suicide the best way?

Hi,
I was wandering what's wrong with me. I'm 19 and still don't know what to do with my double personality. Today, I decided to check on Internet if there are any people with similar problem. I discovered that my suffering calls transgender. I'm in shock. I've never known who I realy am: not a female (my genetic gender), not a man. I suffer so much, that I can't live normaly. I have neverending headakes, all the time I feel deeply depressed. My boyfriend wants me to chose my gender, if not: he don't want to continue our relationship. He wants me to be a girl. I don;t want to make a choice. I want to keep my double personality: male-female. Yes, it's not only a problem with gender, but with personality too. One day I want to be a woman, I wear pretty girlish clothes, make-up. Another: I hate female part of my nature and I want to be a man. But the truth is, as I've already said, I don't want to choose. Sometimes I behave like a wild animal, I cry, I scream, I hurt myself, I want to destroy the thing I am. I hate and hate is the main feeling in my mind and heart.
Is there any other way than suicide?

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

there is always a other way y was like this not long ago but y tru my hate away you must find something that you like deeply so that you dont feel hate any more like for me it was a art site on the internet and all my hate flu away in a second so go on and serch hope y help

I love art too. I have a gallery on deviantart . But it helps not.
I always wanted to become a knight. My friend decided to train me, it gives me so much joy... But the pain is still inside me. It's enormous and it makes hate grow.
Anyways, I'm glad I found this forum and people who may understand what I feel

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

hm, that's interesting. well, i definately relate to you
on several levels. suicide may seem tempting, but you and
i know that you don't really want that. the fact that you're
suffering this intensely must tell you how very special you
are. the fact that you feel as you do, makes you #1 to me.

Don't worry so much. People are diffocult. i relate with you.
my boyfriend gives me some troubles sometimes over very
personal choices as well. i know how you feel. i don't feel
like a male or a female either!!! it's definately intimidating..
and yes i do feel very sad on some days!

I also feel like a knight. I feel like strength. i love my power!
look on the bright side. most girls aren't as strong as you.
consider yourself a godsend to this earth.

Thank you, Aethra. Your words are very helpful. It's amazing that there are much more people who belong to "the third gender" as I've read yesterday. I thought I'm alone, but it's not truth.. I hope so.
However, I can't imagine I'm worth anything. I always describe myself as "zero", "no one". It makes me feel more and more depressed.
Friend who train me in sword fight feel depressed, but I don't know the reason. If he's not all right, I can't be either.

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

Hm, I accept your feelings. Just realize that
you're not alone. You're in the network. There
is love when hatred surrounds. Find it first in
yourself, and know that you are real.

Let me die let me die let me die let me die

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

Seriously stop saying you wanna die. I think we have all been at that stage before where we thought suicide was the only way out, but I thank God everyday for pulling me through that low point because I cant believe the good things I would never have gotten to experience! Suicide is selfish and you would be making others feel terrible as well. Also, don't let this take over your mind completely. Do something that makes you feel happy and doesnt remind you about your gender issue. What I do is eat junk food (lol), listen to music, go in the backyard and enjoy the sunshine, or play games. None of these really require one to think about their gender at all!

Also, there are many people who are in between genders too. Look at the famous model Omahyra Mota! She is manly yet a woman and has done quite well in life. Just dont give up because that is exactly what the devil wants. He wants us to blame God and that is exactly how the devil wins. Fight it, be strong, and pray. Every prayer I have ever made, God has answered me in some amazing way that I cannot even believe. Just trust in him and don't give up!

God bless you and good luck

Welcome Ulfar,

from a person who has spent decades swinging swords around, yes, training in knightly virtues is a wonderfully powerful way to give you the strength to make it through the roughest days.

One of the problems we face in society today is from putting people in two separate boxes labelled "male" and "female". Other societies in days past have defined many more than 2 genders, and they were much happier for it. In parts of south america, they divide people into 9 genders, and everyone chooses which one they are. It doesn't matter what's between your legs, but what's in your heart.

You need to give yourself the freedom, and the permission to be one thing one day, and another thing the next, without worrying what others think. You can be all girly today, and totally male tomorrow, and those that truly love you will accept you for who you are. If your boyfriend can't cope, then he needs to look at himself.

We all at times want to be what we're not. There are days I'd love to be a cute little japanese girl who is an olympic gymnast, but that's never going to happen. Then there are days I'm delighted being an older man with broad shoulders and grey in the beard. We all have limits, weaknesses, as well as strengths and reserves of power that we can barely imagine.

Suggestions:

Be who you want to be when you want to be. Skirt one day, boots and jeans the next.

Find a kendo club in your area. Get good enough to beat them all with a bamboo sword. Meet guys who will respect you for your merits, not your looks.

Thought for the day:

Male, female...does it really matter, except to your boyfriend?

Welcome, and good luck.

Don't suicide...it's an ugly messy affair, and most people who attempt it get it wrong and end up worse than before. (I'm a nurse by profession, and spend many shifts picking up the pieces)

Yours in harmony and respect,
Tony

Thank you. I feel better again. Hope, the worse thoughts won't come back.
More than 2 genders? Was it possible?
I don't want to define myself, but the pressure of society... I hate it's strenght and determination, it's intolerance and conservativeness. Here, in Poland, people are much more intolerant than in other countries. They don't understand, because they DON'T WANT to. Their minds are closed, they don't see more than their own garden.
I don't want to commit a suicide, but I'm afraid that it will happen because of these strong burning emotions in me.
Thank You again

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry