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First I am a Transsexual Woman. I have known as early as I can remember that "it" was not and did not define who and what I was. My journey was one of abuse, suffering and pain which started as a very young child. It continued because I gave into the demands of others out of shame and fear and began pretending to be what I never was and never wanted to be. While my male body matured the true female one that lived inside that shell of deception I had created also matured. I struggled to survive in my lonely closeted world. This struggle was slowly killing me both physically and mentally. Finally my whole deceptive world collapsed. Too many medications to count, too many hospitalizations and fourteen suicide attempts because I saw that as my only escape, I found myself alone. I lost everything, family, home, job but mostly, myself. Alone ready once again to end it, I sat and went over my life. I saw, my three children, while I made a poor father I have been told, they were successful adults and seemed happy except with me. I saw my accomplishments, my education which had helped give me a life while not wealthy was comfortable. I saw the beautiful places I been and the things I’d seen. I also remembered the suffering and pain of verbal, physical, mental and sexual abuse all because of who and what I truly was yet seen and defined as something I wasn’t. I saw my happiest moments were when I was real, out openly and freely as the girl as a child and the woman as an adult. I then discovered the reason for my depression; I was living a lie. All my therapy had been based on putting Mike back together when it was Michelle who was struggling to live. I wanted to live but did not know how because I had given in. I knew then the answer, I finally accepted who and what I had always been. From that moment on I have never gone back into that shell of deception. I live openly and freely as the woman I was born as. I am at last free and happy.
In December of this year an Angel, my Surgeon, will not create the woman I have dreamed of being, I am that woman, and I always have been since a very young child. What Marci will do by her wonderfully skilled hands is at last give me a body that this woman can at long last live comfortably within. That day a new journey does not begin, the journey of this woman’s life only continues. I will not be a new and different person, a woman who now needs to find who she and what she wants to accomplish, no I have always been that woman.
Your life is yours, you own it, and what you make of it is purely up to you. Others may support you in your aspirations, but, in the end it’s your creation. You have the responsibility.
Michelle-Marie Hodges
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