My 'friend' in Greece, who I met last year, said he likes me because I am a 'lady'. We have strong feelings for each other but he is having trouble coming to grips with a TS partner. I hate having to call him my friend - it belies my feelings for him - feelings which are mutual. The night before I left Greece he rang me to tell me he loved me - that was the first time in my entire life anyone had said that to me. I could hear the nervous excitement in his voice - he even said I love you in two different languages! Unfortunately, the reality of what it would mean to have a TS partner sank in and I got relegated to a mistress (my words not his). Although he still sends me text messages all the time and if he hasn't heard from me after a few days I get a message from him.
Even though it makes me sad, it made me realise that homophobia and transphobia has little to do with morality - it has more to do with the social constructs of masculinity and femininity. That is why it is 'ok' for a man to penetrate but not to be penetrated. A man who penetrates is still masculine, a man who is penetrated is effectively feminised. This is why calling a man gay is an insult.
The same can be said about femininity and lesbianism. You can insult a woman by calling her a dyke or a lesbian because the perception of lesbianism is that she lacks femininity - she is somehow less of a woman. An old fashioned word for lesbian is 'butch'. To call a woman 'butch' was to imply she was a lesbian.
This is why I think homophobia is still intrinsic in our society. It has nothing to do with morality - it is to do with expected behaviour and self-identity and how we establish who we are by those around us - hence rejecting those around us that don't reaffirm our own identity. I think this is how we choose our friends and even reject them when we find out things we don't like about them - In short, 'birds of a feather flock together'. Trans prefer trans and gay friends because they affirm our identity. African Americans tend to have mostly (or more) black friends than white. Of course these are generalisations.
I also have a hunch that is why women (in my opinion) are far more judgmental these days than in previous generations. This may not be true but it is certainly how I experience many women these days. There is more pressure these days on being a better woman. More beautiful, more independent, more everthing.
I think the next step in tackling homophobia will be to challenge ideas of what it means to be masculine and what it means to be feminine. This will be an uphill battle because hollywood has a big part to play in this and hollywood is inherently American and imbues American values. Considering that America is very conservative and displays strong Christian values, then this can be problematic. I guess this is why I have always felt drawn to european movies - they tend to step outside the box and provide alternate narratives for human identity.
Sorry for the waffle but these are things that have been going around in my head. I have met a man who I feel more comfortable with than my closest friend who I have known for 13 years. He treats me like a princess when we are together. We make each other laugh and I feel like a better person because of him.
Unfortunately, when it comes to a proper relationship, that will be problematic - relationships are as much about 'show' as they are about how the people feel about each other. Men and women both like to show their partners off - brag about them to their friends. It is hard for many men to feel 'proud' about having a TS girlfriend - they tend to feel it reflects on their sexuality and therefore their masculinity. This saddens me the most - that a man can't feel proud of me. No matter how good I make him feel when we are alone, he will always dread being 'seen' with me.
Despite all this, it has opened my eyes to the problems that I face. It has nothing to do with weather man thinks he is gay because he likes TS. A man knows if he is gay or not - it is really about how others perceive his sexuality and therefore question his masculinity.
Regardless of what happens between my 'friend' and me, I at least now understand of the dragon I have to slay for future relationships. It has also made me more determined to relocated to a more liberal city. My little regional Australian town is notoriously conservative. I am afraid of becoming old and cynical before my time.
