HEYA!!!

I'm not so much into yuri.... I still lean a bit more to guys, but just in general.. it creeps me out XD

As for Yaoi... some good titles include:
(for games)
Togainu No Chi
Lamento

(for animes)
Loveless
(slightly hinted) Nabari No Ou
Gakuen Heaven
Gravitation
Papa To Kiss in the Dark
Junjou Romantic ( LOVE THAT ONE ! )

Manga:
Beyond my Touch
Love Necoco
Othello
Loveless ( better manga than anime)
Yellow
Finder Series

and usually you can find lots of doujinshis (fan made comics) of your favourite series and such online

there's more XD but i forget them

and ill be sure to send some links to your deviantart account I have one too, but i have all my bad stuff on it TT_TT

And wow... i didn't know that knighthoods really existed.. but thats so cool O____O. It sounds so interesting that you get to go on digs, learn how to fight with swords and become a knight. Man, I've never done anything like that before... :S

But as a knight, what do you do? I mean, there aren't many villages to save or kings to serve

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I haven't had the surgery, but thats about all I haven't done for transitioning. Oh or a legal name change, but that's just around the corner. I ran into a few legal boundaries, but i'll soon overcome them.

As far as how it got started. I'd say the whole thing started when I was 6. I stopped being a typical boy. I still remember insisting i be the girl when my friends and I played house. I really didn't think much about it at the time, but I knew I was veeerrry different. I'd say things built up until I was sixteen when I finally said something was wrong. I hadn't a clue what transgender was or that it was even possible all I knew was I wanted to be a girl, and bad. I'd come out to my (real) mother and she took me to a counselor who sent me to a doctor who sent me to a psychotherapist who eventually told me about the whole process.

I was counseled by her for oh maybe a year or so before I saw a dr with experience in hormonal replacement therapy. However, I was under 18 and despite my mom's permission, I didn't have my dad's. So, I couldn't start the hormones. My father, at the time, just couldn't accept it. He lived four hours away, though, so I didn't have to see him much.

I would dress feminine at night and when i went to uni(I started at 17), but be male during the day at work. (please don't be offended by my lack of using the third gender. I personally am nothing in-between. I am a girl, not a boy, not anything else. Doesn't mean its not different for you) Finally I turned 18 and there wasn't a dammed thing my dad could do about it. I started taking hormones orally. I took estrogen and spirnalactone(spiro) which blocks the testosterone.

There's a lot more to the story, but to make it short, i stopped for four years and then I recently started again. I had to go through the process of finding a new psychotherapist because here, you have to be diagnosed as a transgender before a doctor can legally give you the hormones. That way only true transgendered people can get them and not just anyone off the street. It's an expensive progress, mind you. Anyway, I've been back on them for a while and I just took the plunge. I moved in with my adoptive parents and left the male me behind. I threw out all my male clothes(i hated them) and bought new clothes and I live full time as a woman now.

Anyway, that's how the process goes for a MTF. for a FTM who wants to start T, its slightly different as far as how the hormones are given. Testosterone, from what i understand from my friends is usually given as a monthly injection. You go to the dr's office and they pump you up. And, I don't know how the legalities work in Canada, but I plan to find out sooner or later.

I've been talking with a FTM friend of mine and I tossed out the idea of starting a Transgendered halfway-home in Toronto if we can figure out how to make money to survive in the process. And if he's not in, I may still make an attempt. I'd like to try and help pave the way for people who need help. Like, rent out a room in a big house for transgenders who need a place to live while they get on their feet and really jump-start their transition. Idunno, its still in the 'dream' phase and may never happen, but it'd be nice.

Anyway, the steps
1. Find a pyschotherapyst who specializes in gender identity issues.
2. Work with him/her to finding what you really need for yourself. Don't go in saying, "I'm this" or "I'm that" just go in willing to find who you really are.
3. If after a few months you decide you want to start T they will
4. Write a letter and either give it to you or a Doctor's office that you find.
5. Find a Doctor's office that has experience in transgendered hormonal replacement therapy.
6. Start the therapy and start working on being who you are..you gotta build up to just being yourself every day. Once you live full time as a male, then
7. Work on name changes and other legal issues.
8. If you really want it, you can shoot for the surgery.

But that's only if you wanna be a Man.

Man..... You got the whole process there

But at the moment I'm stuck at the beginning stage, talking stuff out with a regular therapist, maybe if he feels I need it, he will lead me in the direction of a good psychotherapist, like you said. I've told many of my friends that this summer I am going to start dressed more as a boy, though as a girl this isn't as big of a change as for a MTF, i can imagine.

And I can only imagine how nice it must feel to be yourself finally, as a woman.. I bet it would be a hassle to switch back and forth all the time T__T.

A half-way house? That's such an amazing idea.. I live only 45 minutes, if that, from downtown toronto... god I wish I was older so I could help with something like that... My money, or time, whatever.. Something like that is exactly what some people need, even if it is still in the dream phase, it's a very nice dream ( there should more people with dreams like that <_< )

And that's a good point, not to go in with your mind set, because I am very stubborn that way.. I guess I should stop and listen to what my future therapists and such have to say, if I ever want to get anywhere.

So for me, first thing on my list then, is too talk to my therapist this friday about it... start getting some things figured out.. and SAVE so I can get myself a proper binder.. and possible... even a packer >:) Summer job here I come TT_TT

And another question.. ( sorry for all the questions XD) but... how did people, like society, or whatever you want to call it, take when you dressed as a woman? Were there any big problems?... I'm not very brave that way and it would be nice to know at least SORTA what I may have to face if I decide to start making some form of a transition...

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A LOT depends on where you are. At first, I would only go to places I knew were safe. Unfortunately, I was the first of any of my friends to come out of the closet. As soon as I did, it seemed like every one i knew was gay or a lesbian. I was still the only tranny though. Unfortunately, society has a long way to go. I get a lot of stares and one time in a resturaunt a man and a woman literally scooted their table away from mine, but for the most part, if I play it safe, the worst I get are stares and whispers. I've overcome that. For the most part, people are just confused. As soon as I talk to them though, they're still nice and sweet. I'm sure they know, or at least suspect it, but they're still decent enough to be nice to me.

When I drove through Arkansas and we stopped at the border for food, THAT was actually a scary moment. I keep a knife in my purse and I had my hand on it the whole time. But around where I live, it's pretty safe. So, it's hard to say about how society will react because its different for most areas.
I do know that Toronto has a gay neighborhood though. Hell, Toronto is pretty much considered the gay capital of Canada or so I've heard.

Seek out pride fests to find people around you for more local resources. That's really the best way.

Who knows, maybe the halfway home will be in planning by the time (if/when) you decide to (or not) transition. Maybe I'd be able to help you out hah.

Course, I gotta survive this breast lump first.

Semetactic, thank you for the titles . I'll look for them in internet after exams.

Knighthoods... they just reconstruct the past. There are a lot of events organised by them. Usualy in historical places (like old, well known battlefields). How it looks? There are a lot of poeple wearing medieval clothes, they eat from historical dishes, live in historical tents (coz there's a problem to live for example in a nearby castle), the knights fight and adore their Ladys... Every year in Poland, there's a big event on the occasion of the battle of Tannenberg (in polish: Grunwald), it's pretty known in Europe. You can find some portable movies on youtube I think.

When I read your posts (both of you), I feel confused. I can't handle my own emotions and feelings, so I'm deeply depressed for most time. You seem to know what to you want and who you are. And I'm trying not to hate myself which is very hard for me.

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

Ahhh exams... I just finished mine for grade 10 science, and grade 11 english (im a year ahead in english), and damn... it's nice to finally be able to start summer, so good luck!!

And I checked the videos out on youtube... And there was like smoke all at that and people riding horses and ohhh, man... I wish they had stuff like that down here in Toronto XD.. or maybe they do and im just not "in the loop"

As for us knowing what we want, for me... I'm only starting that battle.. I am just very impatient, so I want to try and get this sorted out, cause I don't like being in 'limbo' between genders. I guess for me, it's not that I hate being a girl... I just prefer being a guy.. There is confusion, but it's not a hatred confusion, like what you seem to have. For me it's not figure this out or suicide, because I can... well, handle being a girl, I mean.. I have lived as one for 14 years... Another year or two won't kill me.

If you are third gender, there must be a million other emotions, because not only are you trying to steer clear of the two genders and being labeled, but you are trying to distinguish yourself as a genderless or 'third' gender. So the confusion is probably not the same as mine. And hating yourself and depression is not fun, I know. Are you going to a therapist at all? Just because, maybe speaking about all of this with a professional could help relieve some of the anger, or clear up some confusion?

And plus, if you are actually depressed he could get you on anti-depressants? It's not hard (at least in canada?), my friend just walked in two days ago to get diagnosed, and started pills yesterday... And hopefully it will make her feel better so she can deal with all her other problems... I don't know if it's just the confusion that would make you depressed, or if it's something else? Cause maybe if the depression is solved, you can begin on concentrating on your feelings...

And Candence, it seems that way, doesn't it? XD My friend matt came out in grade 8 as being gay.. Then suddenly our other friend Steven was gay... My good friend Jayan was Bi, as was my friend Julia... My best friend Rachel ( my sorta girlfriend) turns out to be bordering trans, and I myself am starting to come out about being Bi and bi-gender.... It seems like once someone comes out, everyone watches how other people react, and suddenly everyone wants to come out

So basically my entire good friend group in highschool, is gay to some degree, except for a few

And I know Toronto is pretty safe, and yea.. We are like the gay capital of Canada XD But.. I live in a smaller town, and where my high school is, is surrounded by the low income family homes.. So a lot of gangsters, 'wangsters', pot heads and whoreish girls go to my school... And it's not my little suburban area that scares me.. it's while im at school.

There was someone a year before I came to high school, that came out as transgender, and switch between his bio male self and female self... Sort of like myself. And one of my best friends who is a year older, told me about how weird and disgusting it was ( obviously not coming out to her for a long time XD) and how she was bullied, and forced to switch schools. She lost all her friends and was regularly teased and had death threats.. They even announced over the school announcements that she was switching, and too ignore the changes and there was something, that my friend had said ( that I now forget.. stupid memory loss) that was really offending that had been said over the announcements.

So I'm not overly encouraged to begin a change. But hopefully I can somehow go to the pride parade happening in toronto sometime this week with my friends.. but I don't think my mom will let me go... Last time I asked she was like " you're not gay.. if you keep going to all these clubs and meetings, and board conferences and now PARADES, people will begin to think your gay.. I don't want you going, you are 15, not an activist." T______T so I may just sneak off without her knowing XD

And I'm not really familiar with america and it's provinces, is Arkansas a bad area?

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Ulfar it seems almost that your issues aren't necessarily gender related, but identity in general. I don't know so much about Poland, but in American history with Woman's liberation back in the war times, lots of woman dressed as men and acted like it to get men's jobs simply because they just weren't allowed to do those things back then.
It seems to me, based on what I've read from you, that your main issue isn't like mine where I was born into the wrong body, i.e. gender identity, but more that society is hindering you because of your gender. Do you feel confused about your body, appearance, and gender because it's just not you? or because of how society treats you in it? Maybe you already have that part figured out, but if not, maybe by focusing on that, you can figure out how to end your painful frustration. I'd say figure that out before trying to figure out weather you want to BE a guy, or simply be a girl(own a vagina), yet be one of the guys.

I used to hate myself too when I was a teenager. My mother found me one time in the shower, crying and curled into a ball. Just the sight of my own 'manhood' drove me to just break down. I hated getting naked and would often close my eyes when walking past mirrors or while in the shower. It was scary, looking into the mirror at what SHOULD be me, but seeing someone completely different looking back. Do you ever feel any of that?

Semetastic, I don't know what to say about highschool as far as experience goes. It's a completely different battlefield than College. People are still very immature. But, I do know, that developing a unwavering air of confidence is a great way to stay on top. I was picked on in elementary through middle school. I ended up being home-schooled because of the bullies and it wasn't even because of gender. I was just one of those kids that got picked on. In 10th grade, I finally decided to go back and somehow I found a pocket of confidence and carried it around me. Amazingly enough, I made friends, no one picked on me, and I did really well socially even though I never went to parties or did drugs or drank. I smoked, that was about it, and I started that for a completely different reason.
There was one kid that tried to pick fights with me, but it never worked. He probably could have kicked my ass too, but one thing about highschool is that you are only as strong in a fight as your circle of friends and most of my friends were his friends so there was a conflict of circles(HAH) he was the only person that ever disliked me in 10-12th grade. I was still depressed and too afraid to come out to anyone other than my tightest of friends, but when I walked onto campus, I was still confident because I knew who I was and no one could do shit about it.
BTW Later I found out from one of my boyfriends that the guy who picked at me was, himself, gay.
As far as death threats go, that's a matter for the police, no matter who or what you are.

Pah, your mother needs an education from PFLAG. Sign her up. http://www.pflag.org
You don't need to be gay to support a worthy cause. Nor do you need to be an activist. And you certainly can never be too young. We need a wider span of ages and ethnicity so we can't be tight-casted by the statistics. The gay parades are for everyone who is willing to be open about who they are what what they feel. It's about Gays Lesbians Bi's and Transgender's rights as much as it is about racial rights, womens rights, men's rights, or whatever.

As far as Arkansas is concerned, I suppose there might be some ok places, but it's one of those areas that is mostly small cities all very tight-knit and hidden from the world. And when you don't get out much, you tend to hold tight to your beliefs. You could go missing down there and no one would ever find you or your killer. There's just a lot of NOTHING there. A lot a lot of people out there are ready and willing to gang up and kill you just for being different (not everywhere, but a lot of places)

I'm sorry if I offend any Arkansanians, but I've been there many times and there's never been a warm welcome.

Cadence... Maybe you're right. But sometimes I hate this body so much that I can't look at it. My bf is realy patient, because he knows how I feel and he don't insist. I hate sex. I don't want to do it in this body... I'm jealous when I see well built man.

But sometimes I also hate being a human.

I don't know where is the beginning, where is the end. What is the reason and what is the consequence.

Please, do not leave me, guys. I just feel I'm in the right place now, here. Don't reject me.

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry

Ulfar, don't worry, don't worry. I wont reject you for anything! I may not always be on the forums but if you have AIM and need someone, theres a good chance im on AIM, if you have it: AlmightyCadence is my SN

I don't really have time for a long post right now, but I'll be back later. Hang in there, hun.

I don't have AIM . But I'll download it later, on another PC (this one belongs to my parents).

I'm looking forward to your longer post.

_________________
Praise to my father
blessed by the water
black night dark sky
the Devil's cry